How to Quit Porn By Father Mike Schmitz (Online Session)

How to Quit Porn By Father Mike Schmitz (Online Session)

You know, I was talking recently to a man named Matt Fradd. Matt Fradd is a man from Australia, lives here in the United States now and he goes around the country and pretty much around the world, talking about pornography and talking about the harms of pornography on people's lives. He did this interview with me on his website, both Chastity Project and as well as The Porn Effect. I had to double check to make sure I had it. He gave me these note cards to hand out to all of our students here on campus. "Kick porn in the face," it says. He asked me about the reality that—I work on a college campus and he said, "Do you notice that on college campuses that there's more of a problem with pornography than other places?" And I had to say, "I don't know about MORE than other places but I do know for sure that there is a problem." And he said, "Why do you think that?" I can narrow it down to at least three reasons. Three reasons why when students, college students come to a college campus, if they're struggling at all with pornography, it becomes even more of a battle. The first thing is this, because they have basically no restrictions. When you're at home, at least you might have your parents who know where your computer is. They might have a family computer.

At least, you have this, the privacy of your room might not be all that private for mom and dad. But you get onto a college campus and there's essentially no restrictions. Whether or not it's in your dorm room or in your apartment room or wherever, you can be completely anonymous. The second thing is that there's an abundance of free time. I don't know if you remember your time in college, if you went to college, but but looking back, I'm sure now if you're in the working world and you're kind of doing your thing, you're like, "At the time, I thought I had no free time but I realize now I had nothing but free time. Yes, I had to go to class and had to write some papers and study and stuff like this," and maybe you're a really diligent and a really busy student, but you also realize that your free time was there, A, and B, it was all for you. And I think that kind of thing is, you know the saying is that "idle hands are the devil's playground." That sense of "What else am I going to do?" Well, I have this lack of restriction. I have this unbridled free time and it's all about me. And then thirdly, is when so many students show up on a college campus, is that they really recognize that they're alone. I mean there's isolation.

That happens, yes, in our everyday world and maybe when you graduate and get into the working world, there's isolation there but I think a lot of times, a young person's first experience with what could potentially be profound isolation and loneliness happens when you come to a college campus. And so, you take these three things: you have this lack of restriction, you have this unbridled free time that's all about you, and thirdly, you have this loneliness. and pornography is—it's just set because it gives you that feeling that you're connected with someone, it gives you a distraction from what you've got going on and it gives you the chance to kind of feed in on yourself. So I shared that with Matt and he said, "Well, are there any solutions? Are there any ways to get out of this?" And especially, if you're watching this, you might have that same question. The first question you might have though is this: If I look at this, am I a freak? If my husband is looking at this or my wife is looking at this, are they a freak? The answer is no. The answer is that there's something that's going on in this world of pornography. In some way, what it tries to do is it tries to kind of connect us with what we're made to be. We're made to be people who give ourselves in love to other people.

And yet, of course, it's just a shallow form. It's just a false—actually, it's a lie. It's a lie that uses other people; but it does not mean that you are irreparably broken. It does not mean you're a freak. I know there's some people I talk to and they say their struggle with pornography makes them a freak. It doesn't. It just makes you a human being who's in need of God's grace. So what can you do though? How can you get out of this? I know so many people who [say], "I've been trying. I've been trying and trying." Whether you're a young adult, whether you're an old adult, it can be the same thing. So if the first issue is a lack of restriction, I think one of the best things a person can do is they can invite restriction. What I mean is you can invite accountability. Now, there are various filtering software on people's computers and tablets and whatnot but I recommend a thing called Covenant Eyes. It can be found at Coven ant Eyes and what it is—it's not just filtering software— what it is is it's also accountability software. Basically, the idea is wherever you go online, you assign a person to get an email every day, every three days, every week, whatever it is and when they get that email—it's scheduled to come in their inbox— it will show them where you've been in the last one, three, or seven days. Whenever I tell that to college students or to high school students, they are like, "What?!? Are you kidding me? That's what happens?" Like, yes, but here's the deal. If I realize that I'm struggling to such a degree and I have no accountability, I have no restriction, then I might need this. And I would say that every person who has a computer and every person that might even slightly, sometimes, occasionally struggle, they should just put it on their computer. And if you are a parent of a child, it is the best thing because again, it's not necessarily simply filtering software because you can get around those kinds of things.

This is an accountability software where you're bringing someone in. That's the great thing about accountability groups is that you can bring someone in but the bad thing about accountability groups is you have to choose to bring someone else in. The great thing about Covenant Eyes is you choose once and then you have to deal with that choice, basically, regardless of whether you want them to get the email or not, they're going to get it. So that first thing is accountability. The second thing when it comes to unrestricted freedom I'm sorry, the free time, abundance of free time, it's all about me, one of the things I invite our college students to do and anyone who struggles with pornography is— or even just kind of sometimes struggles with some of those interior wounds— is to get out of yourself. Schedule in time in your day or in your week where you're not just living for yourself, but you're living for someone else. That can be the most incredible form of service, like you visit the soup kitchen, you visit the hospital, visit the nursing homes, visit a prison. It can also just be really, really simple forms of service like this is the day that I do the dishes of all the guys that I live with in my apartment, or this is the day that I'm just gonna schedule in time to have a conversation with my grandma on the phone because I haven't talked to her in a while. I'm gonna just take time out of my day that's for me, it's unrestricted, my own time and I'm gonna live it for someone else. That's the second thing. And the third thing when it comes to that isolation is exactly this. Once I start doing that second thing, once I start doing that first thing, then I'll start having those connections. If I invite people in and have to have accountability, well now, I have to have a conversation. 

My loneliness, my isolation led me to this but this accountability is leading me to connection. And again maybe my selfishness or my abundance of free time, has led me to kind of just live for myself and kind of just look and do whatever I want with my time but that going out of myself, it connects me with another person because I'm living for them. So I would say this: Those three enemies of really living successful chastity when it comes to the internet world of again the lack of restrictions, lack of accountability, abundance of free time, and that feeling of isolation can really be addressed, not necessarily healed, but really be addressed by something like accountability software like Covenant Eyes, something like scheduling time in your day, to get out of yourself and live for someone else, to find a connection with another human being. Above all, to know this. Know that if a part of your struggle, part of your battle has to do with pornography, know that you are not alone. Know that Jesus loves you and know that you can always, always find a home in the Catholic Church. You always have a place to go when it comes to the sacrament of reconciliation. We offer confession on campus every single day, before every single Mass, we always have confession. And someone asked me, "Why do you do that?" And I said because I know, I know that there's many people who [say], "I fell on Monday. I—" whatever it is, may be it's pornography, maybe it's not — but, "I fell on Monday. I don't want to have to wait until Saturday. I fell into sin. I want to fall into grace now." And if that's you right now, if you're watching this and you're like, "Yeah, I've fallen into sin," don't hesitate. Like, why wait? Why not take this moment right now to check out the confession schedule in your area and fall into grace.