5 signs he's watching A LOT of Porn - Addiction Problem

5 signs he's watching A LOT of Porn - Addiction Problem

By: Diana Baldwin, Therapist

Hi, everyone, my name is Diana. And I am a licensed clinical therapist. And I specialize a lot in relationships and sexual issues. And I wanna talk today about how you can tell if your partner is watching porn. So, I work a lot with pornography and struggles with sex and sexual issues, all of that. But I really love working with women and partners who are impacted by this. One, I feel like it's a really undeserved population. And I feel like there's a lot of-- There's so much trauma and issues that can come up from being in a relationship where you're constantly being lied to, and secrets are being kept from you. That can be so, so, so damaging. So, I really love working with partners and women in that situation. Because you can also feel so much better from it. So, I have done quite a bit of work in this area. I've written articles. I've done a lot of things, trying to help partners figure out what's going on, how can I help? How can I help him? How can I help myself? How can I deal, right? How can I deal with this? So, I wanna talk a little bit about that today.

A little bit more about that. So, I just broke it down. I've done a few lists like this. But I broke this one down into five of the ways you can tell if your partner has an issue with porn. Now, this is so common now that more often than not, people are watching porn. But it depends a lot if it's an actual problem or addiction, right? But the people that are suffering from what would qualify as an addiction are growing, and growing everyday. And so many women come to me after finding something, and just being shocked after his search history, or shocked after he reveals something, or just completely shocked and disgusted about what happened. Because the intensity of how much he's watching, how often, what he's watching, how much control it has over him is just shocking and devastating to them. So, I'm gonna talk about five ways that you can tell if your partner has an addiction with porn. So, if you're seeing most of these, then it's likely or possible that he could have an addiction with porn. It doesn't necessarily mean that's the case, right? These aren't for sure the answer. And it doesn't for sure mean that he does have that issue. But it's a lot more likely. And either way, it probably warrants a discussion and kind of looking into more about what's going on. So, five ways that you can tell that your partner is struggling with porn. And I'm gonna look at one of my articles here, just to make sure that I don't miss anything.

So, the first one is it's impacting your sex life. And that plays out in a few different ways. I hear it a lot in either, he doesn't wanna have sex anymore, or he's just not interested or instigating as much. Or he is, and it's changed. So, either his taste and his needs and his desires and stuff have changed and taken a turn, or he's just not really interested anymore. So, that plays out in both ways quite often. And often, if men are looking, or anyone is looking at a lot of porn, they're continually upping what they're looking at. So, they're looking at more intense things. They're looking at more and more extreme as they go. Just like a drug, you need more of a high, right? You need more intensity to get the same high. So, often, that could kind of change someone's arousal template. Which means, they might start wanting or craving different things, or wanting you to do something different, or try something different. And that's something that you're noticing. So, if that's happening, that could be a reason. Now obviously, trying new things isn't bad. Like, that's not bad, in and of itself. But it could cross the line where it makes you uncomfortable, or where you've just noticed, like this seems to be a different turn. And maybe you're wondering what's going on more. Or maybe you've just have struggled with your sex life, and he's finding different outlets, right? Maybe that's something that you've known was happening, but you just wondered what the extent was. But you kind of knew it was happening. Maybe wondering kind of what else was going on. So, that's kind of the number one thing. Maybe there's more going on there that kind of falls under that umbrella category of the sex life has changed (laughs). It's suffering, it's different. Something is going on there, and it doesn't feel quite right. You maybe can't even put your finger on it, but something is there. Something doesn't feel right.

Number two. They are more withdrawn and detached. If someone is carrying out an addiction, a porn addiction, or any kind of addiction really, they tend to step back a little bit more. So, they don't feel as there and connected and authentic as maybe they did before. So, maybe you feel like you're trying to connect with them, and you're trying to talk to them, and you're just not getting that back. Something feels different, something feels off. It feels like there's a barrier there. That's a sign that something else is going on. They've put up a barrier, they've stepped back. There's some defense mechanisms coming up, and you're feeling that. So, if they feel more withdrawn and detached, then that's a sign that they could be looking at porn, or there could be more going on. There could be something else going on there. And that, again, could be anything, right? That doesn't necessarily mean that it's a porn addiction. But that's a sign that something else is going on, or that something's happening within him, or within the relationship that maybe needs to be looked at a little bit more.

The next one is, they are more critical of you. Which I see a lot play out specifically with porn. So, if someone is looking at a lot of pornography, they are seeing a much skewed sense of reality. They are seeing a much skewed sense of sex, of women, of men, of what that whole thing looks like. It's not real. So, their expectations of what you look like are skewed, and they get really messed up. They really kind of turned. And that, when it's in an extreme way, when they're looking at it all the time, when that has overcome their mind, that plays out negatively on you in that, he'll start to judge you more, or he'll start to be more critical. He'll start to be more negative. He'll maybe make comments that aren't nice. And expectations that aren't good for you, or that are holding you to something that just isn't fair. So, that plays out a lot in that way. 'Cause it really skews and it messes with someone's reality. And it messes with what they think they think is normal, and what they think they should have. So, that plays out in a lot of ways that are really negative for women. And it's not reality, right? So, normal women, real women have stretch marks, they have cellulite, they have normal body parts. And that is great, that's normal, that's healthy. But in porn, that's not the case. Everything is amplified, everything is fake, everything is Photoshopped. So, if someone is watching that and seeing that all the time, then often what they do is, they come back, and they're way more critical and negative of you and of the whole situation than they would have been otherwise. So, they're not seeing you, they're not meeting you, they're not having a genuine connection with you, they are judging you in a really unfair way and with an unfair lens. So, that plays out a lot. If they're extra critical of you.

The next one is they're spending a lot of time online. So, you're noticing even more that they are spending a lot of time on their computer. And this isn't on their computer at the kitchen table with all the family running around. Or this isn't sitting on the couch next to you on his laptop. This is away from everyone. This is late at night up on the computer. This is staying up after you go to bed. This is getting up when you're in bed. This is hiding our room. This is hiding in the basement. This is away from everyone. And you're just noticing that he's spending a lot more time online. So, that could be a sign that something else is going on. And kind of, that sort of leads into the next one.

Which is, they're more secretive. So, in that same way, he's more secretive. He's not sitting next to you, you know, looking up something online, or working, or just doing whatever he needs to do. He is hiding, he is hiding things. Maybe you go to use his computer, and he has a strong reaction. Maybe you go to use his phone, and you notice that it's locked. Things like that, he's a lot more secretive. And he's not kind of letting you in as much. So, these are all signs that he could be looking at pornography more. And if you're watching this, then maybe you also have other reasons why you think that is, or maybe he's struggled in the past, or maybe, you know, you've seen things, or seen his history, or seen something that makes you think that this could be the case. These also could just be the case for him hiding anything, right? I mean, it could be that he's hiding an affair. It could be that he's hiding another addiction. Maybe sometimes online gambling could be the case. You know, chatting with someone that he shouldn't be. Anything like that. This could apply to all of those things, as well. And again, if these are all there, it doesn't necessarily mean, you know-- You go to him, you're like, I know you're lying, all of these things are here. That's not necessarily the case. But it does mean that you probably should have some more conversations about some of this. And that there's maybe more going on. And if you feel like there's more going on, or if you feel like something is just not right, it's probably not. 

So, more often than not, that intuition that we have, it's right. Something is there. Maybe you don't know what it is. Maybe what you're thinking it is isn't actually what it is. But if that's coming up for you, there is probably something there, and that's not something to ignore. That's something to look into. That's something to figure out what's going on because that intuition and that feeling is there to help you and protect you and to help you stay safe. Right, that's why we have that. So, I would say that if you feel like this is true for you, or if there's something else going on, have some conversations, think about it a little bit more, try to create some safety where you can really have real conversations, and not accusing conversations about some of this stuff.