Pornography Isn't Your Problem | Jason Mahr
Have
you ever lived a lie? What kind of impact did it make on you? And on the lives
of others around you? For the past 20 years or so, for the better part of the
last 20 years, I've been a pastor. I'm a religious man, I'm a family man, a man
of faith and by admission, and I’m a total hypocrite. That's right. I preached
to people for years, trying to get them to follow a strict set of rules that I
wasn't even willing to abide by. And that's not the worst part. As a pastor, I
was trying my best to make a positive impact in the lives of others, but
secretly I was involved in a relationship that was taking over my life. It was
leaving me wounded and depressed, unable to even manage the relationships that
mattered to me. So the best thing that could have happened was when I ended the
relationship.
In a spirit of full disclosure, and to make
things as awkward as possible, I'm actually going to read to you a few portions
of the breakup letter I wrote for the relationship. It goes like this:
"When we first met, it was just like any new and even secret dating
relationship: lots of attention, obsession, that constant feeling of being on a
high. I really couldn't get enough of you because you were always there to pick
me up when I felt down. But then things changed. Even though you always were
able to make me feel good physically, you had this way about you that made me
feel terrible about myself inside. And then came the realization that you were
lying to me. I realized you weren't even faithful to me: You were in a
relationship with almost all of my friends. I
was a fool to let you into my life and to believe your lies. Now, since I broke up with you, it hasn't been easy, but
I've managed to get my family back, my marriage back, and, most importantly, my
heart, mind, and soul back. Because believing the best about myself may seem
like a leap, but it is the best jump I've ever made.
So
now, I'm inspired and I'm on a mission to keep as many people as I can from
being hurt by you. And I'm not going to spare your feelings, and say something
like: 'Oh, don't worry. It's not you, it's me.' Because dear pornography, I'm
glad things are over between us. Stop trying to contact me, because remember:
It's not me, it's you." I was able to write that letter because I had an
eye-opening moment, just a few weeks before. On the verge of losing another
job, the church leader sat me down, he said: "Jason, I really believe in
you, but I believe that there's something broken inside of you that you can't
see. So instead of being another church that just casts you aside, we're
actually going to hire you a life coach to figure out what's really going on
inside." In the course of the conversations with my life coach, Gary, my
struggle with pornography became the major topic of discussion. When I revealed
this struggle to Gary, he says: "You know what? Thanks for being
vulnerable, I appreciate that. Now, the next step for you is to go back to that
church leader, and I want you to share with him what you just shared with
me." (Laughter) "You want me to share my darkest secret with someone
that I respect and I want approval from? You got to be kidding me." Well,
I took the leap, and it didn't work out the way I wanted to. I didn't get
shamed, but I didn't get to keep my position either.
In
order to stay employed, I accepted a position at the church as a janitor, for
the next year. The eye-opening moment was when Gary said to me, "Jason, did
you know that porn isn't your problem? Viewing porn is a behavior, just like
any other addiction. You are using porn to medicate the actual problem." That
changed my life because it shifted my attention away from the behavior to the
problem. And what was the problem? For me and almost every other addict, it's
this: the need for approval. I mean, who doesn't want approval? Right? But that
became a problem because I could not handle rejection. When we feel rejected,
we get depressed. When we get depressed, we look for something to pick us up to
make us feel better, and that is where we open the door to all kinds of
addictions in our lives. My addiction of choice happened to be pornography, just
like 71% of men and 38% of women today.
This
is a dangerous addiction because it gives us an escape from reality, but also a
false sense of approval. And this is the draw: We become addicted to what makes
us feel approved. So my freedom didn't come from getting rid of porn, even
though that was a good thing, but it came from learning how to handle
rejection. I learned that instead of letting rejection shape me, I can learn
from it, and not become depressed, and have that need to feel approved. You
see, how we handle rejection is the key, and that is always within our own
control. So when it comes to overcoming addiction: Are we looking in the wrong
place? Addictions are just the symptom of a deeper problem. Maybe the cure for
addiction isn't even in striving for approval. I'll leave you with this
thought. Imagine what would happen if we wouldn't allow the rejection of life
to negatively shape our identity. Then we could focus on the root issue. And
with a little bit of humility, and a little bit of vulnerability, healing takes
place. And my friends, there's nothing hypocritical about that. Thank you.
0 Comments